dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
