No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
