hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
