I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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