I just pynch a tree in the face
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
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We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
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Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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