yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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