Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
