I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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