The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
