I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
