Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
