He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
