why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
