I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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