Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
