Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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