So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
