So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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