He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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