from now on my penis is your penis
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have already put on my inside pants.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
