In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Can Purell be used as lube?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
