My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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