just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
