I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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