His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
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someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
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He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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