the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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