I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
