i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
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I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
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i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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