I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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