God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
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he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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