Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
