I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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