Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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