Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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