And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
