I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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