I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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