I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
