she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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