fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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