How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
