I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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