Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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