I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
