Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
