Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
