i need an iv and a liver transplant
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
