My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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