I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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