Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
