So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
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It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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