Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand