No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…