my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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