I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I smell like Dick and happiness
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
