I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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